Hey there,I would like to give you some advice on this essay.
First,people usually don't use the word "ok" in a formal essay.Considering it is a TOEFL test,you should avoid using that word,because it is more oral-oriented.Use something like "tolerable" or "understandable".Secondly,"Only if" does not equal to "as long as" and it sounds really weird when you use the phrase"only if".Thirdly,The second sentence is completely useless and it does not offer anything about your opinion,don't just use the template online,if you really want to get a good score on the test,simply write more and practice more.In the beginning sentence of the 2nd paragraph,you can't really use the word "you" because the question is talking about university student.So the best way to put it,is "students are going to miss..if they don't attend class".Words like "terminal" sounds really weird here,I think "final goal" would be more appropriate.Overall,the argument that you proposed is not very coherent,and I would suggest that you should try translating your essay into Chinese and read by yourself and see if it makes sense to you.If not,try changing your argument,instead of just trying to finish the task of writing the essay.
