字数可不够啊!230 words要扣分的!由于没有题目,无法准确判断是否切题.
不得不以语言和逻辑为主进行一定的修改(用心比对差异即可进步)：
原句：parents are facing an issue that is should their children attending school at a youngage.
修改：parents are facing an issue about whether their children should attend school ...
原句：those who attend school early students save a massive time compare with the same
修改:compared with other students,those who attend school early could save a massive ...
Moreover,their parents will be more confident when talking to their kids.这句话虽然语言没有大的问题,但是由于文化差异,鬼佬考官很可能十分困惑,从而影响该句子作为论述的分数.鬼佬的家长不好面子,我家孩子怎么怎么牛.
students who are playing at an early age also have merits.According to a science report,those who play often at a young age are more likely to be successful inthe future.For example,they can learn a lot through various kinds of sports such as football.
这几句话主要想论述'students who are playing at an early age' 的好处.但是一个不知出处的report以及一个关于sports 的有些宽泛的例子不能作为有说服力的论述.特别是举例,选择足够细节的例子比如足球,才能更有把握地拿到该部分的分数.
最后点评一句中式英文和一处逻辑问题：
they may get humiliated by the older students for the reason of small body figure.
应该是为了表达被大孩子欺负
修改后：Older students may bully them for the reason that they are inferior to them in terms of physical strength.
On the one hand,play is necessary for a child according to the survey.On the other hand,if students study at a young age,they would be intimated by the older students,which could cause devastating results to their mind.
分析：on the one hand,on the other hand 表示对比逻辑,常用于表达正反方观点之前.
If ...,...would ...这是典型的条件论证,应当紧跟论据,所以此处使用‘另一方面’不恰当.
P.S.由于个人因素,不能面面俱到的进行修改分析,但愿对你和其它人有点滴帮助.
