帮忙润色一篇essay,是final draft了,请大家多多给意见
2个回答

第一句becomes改为has become

in the daily life改为in our daily life

people become改为has become或are becoming或join the army of stock investors

all we do is buy改为all we have to do is to buy

shares in a business改为shares of a business

promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential

not children anymore改为no longer children

so we should be responsible for our future改为

and we must shoulder/take the responsibility of our own future

promise改为promising future/great prospect/potential

closing改为getting close to

最好用expose ourselves,getting more exposure to the real world

使用on the other hand要当心,不如用moreover,further more

well-rounded individual 改为all-rounded personality

Good psychology改为good psychological quality

correct改为good

on the stage 加上of life

it strengthens the ability of dealing with things for us.改为

it gives us more vision to the world/it helps us to deal with the world better不要用things

the only one way 改为the only way/the sole way

who have prepared for改为who are fully prepared

文章框架还不够明显,结构不是非常平衡,逻辑提示不明确.看得出来还是很有潜力的,还需要训练.