雅思作文问题Topic：In some countries around the world men and women
1个回答

第一句“and”连接的不是两个句子,后面的“with”介词结构应改为句子,或者提前该"with"介词结构,直接带出整句即：With the population booming,the society has been developing dramatically.然后后面"the competition.."这句缺少连词,应将此句改为定语从句或者与The society...这句并列.“Take myself as an example"本身构成一个祈使句,后面没有连词不可连接句子.后面三个句子过于冗余,可改为：In order to obtain a satisfied job after graduating from university,I have to take futher educational courses to enhance my competitveness.“While"用在句首做然而将比较少,可改为：However,when we..."最后一句好像与全文无关,而且so that连接并列句,不可单独成句.例子上其实不建议用个人例子,你可以化小为大,将自己的经历换成两个大机构,比如“CEO”（Chinese Educaiton Organization) 和“CBI”（Chinese Baby-caring Institute),然后造出一些合理的数据来阐述学历的变迁和学历高加之生活压力大对照顾婴儿时间的影响.

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