1.as it is the method that is time and money saving
-as it is the method that time and money are saved
2.since it is benefit for communities
-since it is beneficial for communities
3.There are no administrator who monitor
-There is no administrator who can monitor
4.as individuals are not usually self-conscious
-self-conscious 不自在,自惭形秽 self-motivated （指学习,工作）自觉的
5.companies can manage workers through video talk or other methods to maintain and ensure the job is done .
-companies can manage workers through video conference or other methods to
ensure the work is done .
你想表达“视频通话”这个意思吗?可是一般不用 video talk ,既然是工作中的,video conference 应该更合适
maintain 维持（关系/某一个水平）,放在这里不合适
job 指的是【职业】的“工作” work 指的是体力或脑力劳动
6.they saved a great deal of time to do some extra work
-they can save a great deal of time to do some extra work
7.For example,to earn some money during spare time
-你另起了一句,可是这句没有主语.所以,最好跟前面一句合起来
they can save a great deal of time to do some extra work,like earning some money during their spare time.
或者：
they can save a great deal of time to,say,earn some money during their spare time
8.Therefore,time saving helps students and works to achieve more accomplishments
-Therefore,(saving a lot of time或者只要用it) helps students and workers to achieve more accomplishments
time saving 多用作形容词“省时的”
但我觉得,不需要再讲“省下了时间可以帮助……”,因为你前面一直在讲省时省时,有点啰嗦了
可以用一个现在分词直接接在前一句末尾：
they can save a great deal of time to,say,earn some money during their spare time,thus helping students and workers to achieve more accomplishments
9.it saved a large amount of daily expenditure
- it saves a large amount of daily expenditure
10.Additionally,employer does not have to pay for office rental as there are no one ……
-.Additionally,employers do not have to pay for office rental as there is no one……
11.and industries would solve how to manage the workers more properly by using their own methods.
-and industries would solve the problem how to manage ……
语法什么还是可以的,整篇文章中规中矩,没什么大毛病,但是也少了出彩的地方.
我觉得你可以从结构上入手提高一下你的写作,比如说这篇,你说你赞成studying and working from home,你就要把重点放在你赞成的点上,那些别人不赞成的原因只要略略提过一下即可.还有你赞成的理由,一是省时,这个一句话就可以说清的地方你费了太多笔墨,二是节省资源,这个点明显比前一个高段啊,可你略提了提就过了,这个可以从缓解交通、低碳节能、环境保护的多个角度来讲啊
至于评分,要看你是什么考试了,如果是公外四级,我觉得中等偏上,如果是六级,中等吧.
楼主加油,你基础不错,平常多背背范文,多练笔,还是会提高很快的
