Studying in foreign countries, in this day and age, plays an increasingly role in our(中式英语,把our去掉) modern society, upon which meanwhile, large numbers（太过口语化,不适合雅思作文的学术要求,建议改成a vast number） of people show great attention（attention在这里稍微有些欠妥,应该是enthusiasm）. Thus（therefore引出下文显得更高级一点...） some people point out that it is wise to be educated in motherland, while the rest hold such（such..that在这不恰当,你可以换成others insist或是others claim） a view that foreign study（在国外学习不能简单翻译成foreign study） is more significant（虽说你避免了important这个低级词汇..但是significant出镜率太高..可以化成play a predominant role in） for students nowadays. Studying abroad bring about advantages undoubtedly（状语可以提前,显得有气势）, and meanwhile, there are not as versatile as expected.

The advantages of abroad study are innumerable（可以用从句It is universally acknowledged that）. There is no doubt that developed countries have not only leading knowledge but also advanced facilities. So（绝对不能这么用..首先口语化了,其次so不能这么用,换成therefore或者thereby）, this is why increasing numbers of graduated youngsters tend to（tend to在这里用错了） go foreign countries achieving further study（换成education）.

There is another merit brought by abroad study that students could met varies of people which have different nationalities（这句话中that从句有问题）. Surely, it is really a good method to cultivate（后面最后接人,你可以说cultivate students a sense of..） community skills. It is reported（approved） that this friendship beside（什么意思..这给词是中式英语） nations can lead people have a strong sense of belongings.

Furthermore, it is widely believed that sending children to foreign countries for further study（education） is an essential contributing factor to the development of personality—（破折号又显得中式了,可以换成,for instance）independence. Putting children in strange land lonely can foster the sense of independence. That is to say doing everything by themselves can make them grow faster. Hence, being in other country ought to be taught to children, because initially they will depend themselves without parents and friends.

Admittedly, the critic has convincing evidence to support their position. We have to admit that foreign countries do have several evil parts in many areas. For instance, drugs, gambling and pornographic industry. Students may easily go astray. Besides, the expense is very high, which is a very heavy financial burden to the average families.

To sum up, the advantages of studying abroad outweigh the disadvantages greatly. Because it benefits not only individuals, but also the whole society. What we should make sure is to absorb the essence and discard the dregs.

总结一下..我看了一半..发现其实问题还是挺多的..我想问问楼主是有在用十天么?有些踪迹..但是没有完全融会贯通...

话有些直了,错挑的也有点多了..

anyway,还需努力..

离7分还有点远...